and so here begins the creation of this blog. i leave my suffocating small town for uni in over four months and im currently in this waiting room between my current self and hedonistic rebirth. i dont know how often i will post and i half hate promises but i can assure that i will see you again... i love you like a rabbit loves the hopelessness
'i want to be naked. i don't mean my body'
this is too desperately teenage and cliche to be writing in my first post but god there's no one in my life that understands me. i found someone last summer who gave me cigerettes and read richard siken with me in the graveyard. we watched indie films from his memory stick and had vague plans to film some scenes for our own. he took me to an abandoned school and i gave him a new smiths song everytime we met. but as summer died so did our friendship - the flower wilted as the autumn winds closed in.
i fully believe i find people like this again - after all theres not much choice in this town and when im working six days in a row. i want to find a girl with whom i can attach souls and we can baptise each other as one entity in the river or uni room shower or with rose wine and blood in the dead of night. im one for romanticism and symbolic guestures as you might have worked out.
please wait for me future best friend, our twin fantasy awaits
'My love has made me selfish. I cannot exist without you. I am forgetful of every thing but seeing you again, my Life seems to stop there, I see no further. You have absorbed me. I would be martyred for my Religion. Love is my religion. I could die for that. I could die for you.' John Keats to Fanny Brawne.
i return to you now when its boxing day and im sorry for being so neglecful but i got a physical journal and started turning my feelings into songs i'll never sing and so im afriad i was cheating on you, please forgive me. i return to you now because cupid shot me and im half delirious with love. ah love such a strong word that i can't help but to use. i feel useless, just a vessel for affection but it hurts in such a good way. it hasn't been long since ive been single, a fact im very aware of, and it feels too soon to be going through this again. perhaps im just made to love..? it seems everytime i exclaim i will be alone for a while and that it will be good for me, the universe leads me to someone.
a winter of being vunlerable, of 'if you're reading this', of love and hate and living, of skirting around the technicalities of love letters. a prayer for a spring of memorising your eye colour, of hands on waistbands and playing with hems, of good night and good morning that takes place in the same room. no one is a match for you signing your name with love at the end of the page.